the end of an era

Well friends, that’s it.  I’m finished.  Kaput, fini, the end, whatever tired cliche you want – I’m through with soccer.  I just got fired from my job coaching at St. Joes.  This now makes three hard-core fails: The D license, Wilmot, and now St. Joes.  I don’t even know why I failed, why people didn’t like me, why they didn’t approve of me or invite me back.

This brings about a crisis: is it time to quit?  I think so.  I’m failing at a fairly low level.  My goal is to coach at least at college level.  It’s extremely unlikely this will happen, meanwhile the heartbreak… its just not worth it.  I ache in pain getting these cold emails from administrators.  No response from Mr. Witthun, and I wasn’t even sarcastic or whiney this time.  Success at soccer coaching seems to be more about who you know, not ability.  I’ve never been good at managing people, only kids.  Coaching in the real world doesn’t seem to be a good fit.  And did I mention the pain?

I was really looking forward to coaching at St. Joes.  It’s a challenge.  I’ve never had a soccer team I had to work so much for.  I know I whine about not winning more, but that’s minor compared to the ability to change kids lives for the better.

What kills me is never knowing why.  Why why why why!  Am I really that bad?  I’ll never know, and striving pointlessly isn’t really my style.  Did someone complain about me?  That’s all I can think of.  That or Mr. Whithun didn’t like my disciplining Neko.  The kid can clean up really well and puts on quite a dignified appearance, seems well-mannered and respectful – perhaps Mr. Whithun just doesn’t believe, just can’t believe that he’s a foul-mouthed bully.  Seems far-fetched but I’m grasping at straws here.

I’m so depressed.  I was on vacation when I got the email, and it ruined my week.  I know I’ll eventually recover but right now I’m in mourning.  Soccer was my life, you know?  It was the only thing I was ever good at.  I was making a difference, helping kids and all that.  Sigh.  But it’s a competitive world, and coaches are a dime a dozen, and no one cares that I’ve been doing it for 20 seasons now… sigh.  That’s all I can do now, just sigh.  Sigh.

Now the good side:

I’ve been using soccer as an excuse for not applying to jobs.  Now I don’t have that excuse any more.  I can’t tell myself ‘oh no what If I get hired for this job, I am committed to coaching next fall, I can’t just bail on them, can I?’  So no more excuses.  I’ll still look for coaching jobs, maybe even try for the D license again, but I won’t care anymore.

It’s a pity about my soccer book.  That was my best chance to write a book.  Can I really continue if I’m not actually coaching?  Does this destroy my credibility?  I was counting on the experience from this fall.  Now I can’t.  This question is undecided yet.  I’ll leave the book on hold.  Again.  🙁

I can focus on going back to school.  I was using soccer here as a reason to not leave town.  Now I have nothing keeping me here.  I’m free.  No career in soccer means I’ll have to go get a new career.  This programming thing isn’t working out.  That’s all I had – soccer and programming.  Both failures.  Time to go back to college.  I don’t see another answer.  I’m so sick of school.  Can sheer willpower get me through another two years?  Gulp.  We will find out.  I think its too late for application deadlines for this year.  That leaves next year.  Maybe things will change between now and then but I doubt it.  More time to build up enthusiasm.  Go, rah rah rah, you can college, yeah, rah.. rah.. sigh.